I’ve been wanting to blog for a while now. Usually what stands in my way from updating my poor, neglected blog is day-to-day busyness or a general lack of creative motivation, or…let’s face it…good old-fashioned laziness. But not this time. I’ve had blog-ish thoughts swirling thither and yon in my head since I returned from Christmas break. Sometimes, though, the nature of a blog is not necessarily conducive to my personal musings. For instance, my work stuff has to be kept confidential. And interpersonal drama is best kept off of the blog-o-sphere and in one-on-one conversations. And I’ve been generally trying to avoid passive aggressiveness on an online stage for the sake of, well, everyone.
So, I’ve felt stuck.
I returned from Christmas with a heavier heart than I’ve had in a while. I feel oddly not myself. I am starting have compassion for all the people that I’ve unwittingly foisted my cheeriness on in the past. Right now, the glass is not half-full. The silver lining is gone. And my shiny outlook on life has grown a wee bit dull.
I’m probably overstating it a bit. After all, I tend toward the dramatics. (What? You’re not even going to feign shock? Well, okay then. :))
I’m not a person who loves change, seeks out adventure, or lives life with reckless abandon. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I read Who Moved My Cheese. But I can’t say that book changed my personality one iota, even though it had illustrations and everything.
I’m where the Lord placed me. And where he placed me is…transient. Much more transient than I’d like. Being single means that I move living arrangements every year or two. Being a marketer means trying to harness the powers of the ever-changing marketplace that’s moving at the speed of light–whilst simultaneously navigating the treacherous terrain of office politics. And being a friend has always required a level of flexibility that I haven’t always been able to give. But I’d like that to change.
Oh, sure, I know there are certain things about me that will never change. I will always be in the market for a bedazzler. Starbucks will continue to depend on me to keep them in business. And I don’t see myself giving up my Kitchen Aid anytime soon. But other things about me have to change if I am to grow. I need to be able to thrive without the structure that I lean on. I need to extend more grace towards others. I need to develop a killer poker face in meetings. And I need to be more of a go-with-the-flow person who is more focused on hearing God’s voice than tuning into the chaos of daily existence and letting that dictate my joy.
Honestly? Right now, that seems exhausting. But admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? And I’ll take the next step tomorrow. And the day after that. And the day after that. And I’ve gotta have faith that I’ll end up somewhere good.