Okay, so I admit it. I DID like Rookie of the Year as a kid. And I even think I saw Little Big League. But I was a kid. My taste was questionable. I thought play dough was a good source of nutrition, for goodness sake!
Baseball and I are not friends. We’re not even frenemies. We’re more like…distant, distant relatives in a feuding family.
I know, I know. It’s the great American pasttime. Hot dogs and crackerjacks and all of that. But I have just one question: has America actually watched the sport?!? Because if “they” had, I’m pretty sure they’d be in my corner. It’s like the Chinese invented fireworks just so the whole outing wouldn’t be wasted. And bless them for that. Okay, I have more than one question. (What? I was a counseling major…we’re inquisitive by nature!) Second question: why is baseball soooo long? The games are long. The season takes FOR. EV. ER. Third question: okay. It’s not so much of a question as a statement. Hot dogs are gross. Also, crackerjacks are no cat’s meow.
I’m sure these folks are tremendous athletes. But so are synchronized swimmers and, let’s face it, there aren’t a ton of people lining up to watch that!
So, I’ve compiled a list of 8 things I’d rather do than watch a baseball game. I’m sure there were better ways to use my time, but I thought I’d throw this out into the blogosphere and see what happens.
1. I’d rather deep clean my living area.
I’m not the tidiest person. Sure, I can keep things clean-ish and straightened but deep cleaning my living space is kind of difficult when paper is multiplying before me at much too rapid a rate to keep up with my shredder. And dust…where does this stuff come from? I’m in a basement apartment, for crying out loud! I never open the windows! (See #7). Still. I’d rather deep clean than go to a baseball game.
2. I’d rather sit in a math class and have to solve math problems correctly in order to leave.
Oh, numbers. My nemesis. There’s nothing more frustrating than sitting in a seat, trying your hardest to understand something that is constantly evading you. Trust me. I know. All the hours getting math tutoring from Mr. Edwards during study hall. All the incredulous looks when I gave an answer I was sure was correct…and couldn’t be further from correct if I tried. It makes me shudder to go in a room and be surrounded by fractions, formulas, and decimal points. But if that’s what it took to get out of going to a baseball game? I’d be first in line.
3. I’d rather eat okra.
Ew, ew, ew! The slime-y-ness! Yes, even fried. No bueno.
4. I’d rather live like an Amish person for a week.
I think I could find a true friend willing to take me to work. And I’d be okay to wear the outfit (especially if it were winter). But no music?? That’d be so brutal. Still. preferable. to. baseball.
5. I’d rather be forced to perm my hair.
I swore in ninth grade, when I was FINALLY out from under the hellacious rule of the perm, I’d never go back. And I haven’t. It took so long to grow that thing out and cut it off little bits at a time. All that waiting until I looked like a normal person again? Pretty awful. And I have school pictures to prove it. Perms are a committment. And I’m willing to take the plunge if it saves me from even a part of an inning.
6. I’d rather sew a dress. From a pattern.
Okay, this would really be more of a punishment for my mom more than me. ‘Cause, I’d have to be on the phone with her 24/7 and I’m sure there would be multiple Skype consulting sessions. And even with all that, I’m sure it would turn out something like this:
7. I’d rather clean a window well.
I just typed that and I started to feel like bugs were crawling all over me. Shiver. Twitch.
8. I’d rather watch a marathon of Fear Factor.
I know it’s not on anymore. But that show was like a panic attack all in neat little 60 minute package. Yikes-a-mola.
So, there you have it. And just to completely throw it all out there, I also thought “Field of Dreams” was kind of dumb. I should probably go now before my passport is revoked…