The Night My Hopes Were Revived

So, we made it to the top five. We’ve put up with SteTy’s crazy comments, J. Lo’s interrupting nature, and Randy’s inane speeches. But really, it’s all about the kiddos, isn’t it? So let’s get this results-thing started!

I do have to admit, before we go much further here, that my finger was itching to fast-forward quite a few elements of last night’s show. After all, when the one hour show COULD be condensed into a 30 minute show quite easily, the niggling part of my brain that thrives on efficiency twitches a bit. Plus, a little J.Lo goes a long way. Like lemon extract, if you will.

And while we’re on the subject of J.Lo, let’s talk for a second about her 80’s inspired metallic bubble skirt. Whelp, nope. I guess I don’t have much more to say than that it was completely ripped out of a John Hughes movie. And….scene.

Not to be outdone by J.Lo’s reflective wardrobe choices, SteTy slyly stole some valuable before-show minutes with his book promo aided, as always, by the constantly fashionable Ryan Seacrest. I do love that the fans are appreciating this fact with signs like “I love the Ryan Seacrest side part!” which, I can only assume, is referencing his rarely changing hair style. And Ry-Ry would have been remiss not to warn of us J.Lo’s impending invasion of the stage performance and the sneak peek (gasp?) of her new music video. I’m sure people still watch music videos (probably on YouTube) but I can’t even muster up an inkling (a smidgen! a scosh!) of excitement about it.

And never one to take a pass on a jab towards our judging panel, Ryan called attention to the fact that Randy had nothin’ going on by way of big media/coming performances–but in my humble opinion, that jacket was all the statement RaJax needed. It was, in a word, show-stopping. Okay, so that’s two words. But that’s the beauty of a hyphen! Ah, the lovely world of punctuation.

The show started with our customary trailer. But the trailer folks let me down this week…I didn’t feel all ready for “game” time because the font was hard to read! The montage just wasn’t as powerful for me this week. Sorry, guys. Maybe discuss some ways you can improve this at the water cooler this week, mmkay? Thanks.

60 million votes were cast last night and I’m still waiting to see how many of those were online. That whole online section has to be a good portion of those votes. Right?? Right.

The Top 5 Perform “Happy Together”

And they really did seem happy to be together. Who could NOT be happy with results of gargantuan proportions hanging over their head? 🙂 Overall, a fun and kind of staged performance. Only one thing to say about it, really: Haley’s alto was strong. You could hear it over the melody line! I’m not sure if that’s a mixing problem or an ear monitor problem?

Luckily, there’s not a darn thing I can do about it. I’m so glad I’m not responsible for anything on this show!

Ford Music Video

Sigh. The ONLY thing I’m looking forward to about finale night is the end of these pointless segments.

Hell’s Kitchen Promo

There was one fleeting thought going through my mind when this segment was introduced: Good thing Stefano’s not here!

He’d be forced to defend his mother’s honor and then Gordon Ramsey would sue him for punching him out and all the “bleepers” for American Idol would earn their paycheck for the week and then Stefano have some serious flirting obstacles to overcome for a while since he’d have to explain that one action over and over before delivering his pick up line…I’m going to stop here because sometimes–just sometimes–stream of conscious blogging gets me into trouble.

The point of this section of the show, I’m sure, was to highlight the upcoming season of Hell’s Kitchen. But what I found utterly hilarious was Scotty and his reaction to the entire experience. When Haley’s omelet was pronounced to be “pitchy” (Gordon pitched it into the trash), Scotty almost collapsed he was laughing so hard. When Jacob’s omelet was said to resemble vomit, Scotty leaned his head back and howled. And when he was standing in front of Gordon Ramsay himself, with a pretty pathetic excuse for an egg dish, I’ve never seen him grin so widely. His assessment of the whole situation?

“I cannot believe he threw my dern omelet away!”

Nevertheless, we learned some valuable things about our top 5 this week:

1. Scotty doesn’t know how to make an omelet and has clearly never watched Hell’s Kitchen because he requested a tutorial. (He was, as you would expect, scoffed.)

2. It’s a good thing James isn’t responsible for actually executing his pyro-antics on stage since he wasn’t really cookin’ with fire (aka forgot to turn on the stove) until Mr. Ramsay kindly notified him of that fact.

3. Jacob should have been a cheerleader in his former life.

Lady Antebellum Performs “Just a Kiss”

I dug this performance…from the beautiful (uh-oh, I’m turning into Steven Tyler!) piano intro, to the close harmonies, to the singing piano player to the fashion and eye- make up choices…this was one performance that I was happy sit through with no urge to skip it.

Now this is the kind of country music that I like!

“Behind the Scenes” AKA A Not-So-Subtle Bing Promotion

Good grief, Charlie Brown. How many things can this show POSSIBLY PROMOTE?! So far I have:

– All Fox shows (understandable)

– Apple/iTunes

– Vitamin Water

– Coca-Cola

– AT & T

– Ford

And now Bing. Sheesh. The only things that redeemed the value of the entire video were:

1. Scotty saying that he chooses his songs by writing all the song choices on cards (he was actually holding a deck of cards) and then “52-card-pickup’d” the cards everywhere. High-larious.

(I’m coming to rely on him for my comic relief during these videos since we are now down a Casey.)

[Insert huge glare towards “America” here]

2. Having all the contestants make fun of Jacob’s ridiculous purple plaid jacket. I especially loved James trying it on.

Results

Ryan totally freaked me out with his signature “you might be surprised who goes home tonight” blurb. I think my exact words were “NO!”

James

Jimmy’s Take: It was an 8 instead of a 9-10.

Some folks have taken to calling him “the Durbs”. And after his emotional performance this week I feel like I know him so well that I can now presume to call him that as well. Not that I’ve ever had any qualms about using nicknames…

Lauren

Jimmy’s Take: Fear is her Achilles hell. She’ll be in the bottom two?

I couldn’t believe he threw her under the bus like that. And that’s when the waterworks commenced. Lauren couldn’t hold back tears. Don’t worry, Lauren! Jimmy thought Casey would be safe last week, too…

Hell’s Kitchen Promo – continued

As their “reward” for winning first and second place, respectively, in the omelet challenge, Lauren and Jacob got to go head to head in a blind taste test.

Taste Test #1: Beef

Lauren thought it was a pork chop. She’s SO from the south.

Jacob guessed correctly.

Lauren: 0

Jacob: 1

Taste Test #2: Tofu

[EW! TOFU!]

Lauren guessed right away that it was the disgusting stuff. Her mom probably made her clean her plate at the dinner table, no matter what.

Jacob’s refined palate guessed that it was, and I quote, “Lard or grease or something?”

Lauren: 1

Jacob: 1

Taste Test #3: Hot Dog

Lauren, having been a babysitter, knew right away what it was.

Jacob decided that it was most definitely sausage. When Gordon clued him in to what it actually was, Jacob replied “Hot dog is a kind of sausage!”

Um, no. It’s not.

Lauren: 2

Jacob: 1

Jennifer Lopez Performs “On the Floor”

I have it on good authority that this performance was pre-taped. American Idol sure does know how to pull the wool over our eyes, don’t they? Sneaky Sneakerson.

The stage was aglow with quite the extravagant set-up complete with guys dancing in glass boxes, which J. Lo broke open to “release” them onstage…while wearing some not-so-flattering gold pants, I might add. She danced, sang, and was lifted by a hydrolic section of the stage. (Wait. What?!?)

Then she descended in time to do some  synchronized laying-on-the-floor dancing. The whole thing ended with huge fire torches (picture tiki torches on steroids) in a blaze of…something.

Well, that’s not something that you see every day.

J. Lo Music Video for “I’m Into You”

Sneak peek of a music video? What’s the point of that? Who is clamoring for this information? I felt as though I SHOULD be excited. But I just wasn’t.

Final Results

Jacob

Jimmy’s Take: Nerves are getting the best of him. Jacob was a 6 (I’m assuming on a scale of 1-10).

Haley

Jimmy’s Take: Haley won the night. She’s a lock for the finale.

Bold words, Jimmy. Methinks you’re defending your advice to her as much as her performance! Feeling a bit guilty, are we?

Scotty

Jimmy’s Take:  His performances gave us a glimpse of who he’ll be as a recording artist.

And…he is SAFE.

I think Jimmy Iovine shouldn’t be allowed to hide behind the camera. HEY, JIMMY! COME OUT HEE AND GIVE THESE CONTESTANTS YOUR REAL THOUGHTS TO THEIR FACES!

And that leave us with two groups:

1. The looking-slightly-worried Jacob and the-quietly-sobbbing Lauren*

2. The stoic James and the easy-come-easy-go Haley

*Lauren always cries, even if it’s not her in the bottom two. So this is nothing new. The only thing new about it is she had a lot more camera time.

Ryan, mean soul that he is, instructed Scotty to stand by the group that he thought would be the bottom two. Scotty, loyal friend that he is, firmly planted both boots on the ground and refused to choose. So, Ryan prompted him towards James and Haley and then pronounced the group SAFE.

And then after a few more sobs from Lauren and a “WE LOVE YOU LAUREN!” from the audience, we learned the most amazing news in the history of American Idol:

Jacob was FINALLY leaving the competition. And there was MUCH REJOICING!! (Which, just so you know, is much better than the weeping and gnashing of teeth that had been occurring during previous weeks.)

Jacob, not one to fade into the background, choose the longest exit song known to mankind. But somehow even that was okay because I never have to see him sing again. At least not until the finale.

Speaking of the finale (I’m all about the segue) I’ve never watched a season where I didn’t have some sort of inclination as to who would be in the top two…which is not so much a statement of my prophetic nature as it is of the insane talent this year. After last night show, we have a super strong top four and this year I think it’s anyone’s game. But if there’s one thing I’m not shy about it, it’s my opinions. And I’d like to give predictions about who I think will be in the finale. But the truth is that I can’t. It’s just too hard.

1. James is the only one to escape the bottom three. So based on this fact alone, I think he’ll be in the finale. But that’s shakey ground because for all I know, he could have been in the bottom three this week. And since we only talked about the bottom two,

2. It seems reasonable that Haley would leave the competition this week based strictly on the fact that she’s appeared in the bottom more than any of the others still left standing. But she’s given some pretty awesome performances. Plus, her fans seem to be more and more vocal. So…she might hang in there.

3. Scotty seems pretty unflappable and Ryan’s pointed “you were never in the bottom two because last week’s results were revealed in random order!” comment leads me to believe that Scotty’s got some staying power. I kind of think he’ll be in the top two.

4. BUT, Lauren’s first appearance in the bottom was last night. And seeing your favorite in the bottom two tends to energize the fan base into voting more the following week…at least at first. And she could possibly be more popular than James.

It’s just too close to call. So, I’m not gonna.

Next week, I’m told that Lady Gaga will be mentoring. I’m not sure “America” is ready for the Idols to be dressed completely out of edible materials, but who can tell?

Haddock out!

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