I’m completely ashamed of myself.
Last night was the first night that I fast forwarded to the end to see what the results were WITHOUT watching the show in its entirety leading up to it. What prompted this rash action? Wellll, I looked at my Facebook wall and saw a comment asking what I thought of the results show. With TWO question marks behind it. And, in an instant my stomach dropped to my carefully painted toenails and the thought that one of my favorites would be going home took up firm residence in my throat. It totally scared the jimmy willikers out of me! So…I did it. I used my DVR for evil and not for good.
One thought did strike me as the blurry images slid across my TV…who was that old shirtless dude? I guess I’m about to find out.
Now, I’ll return to the beginning. Please don’t hate me forever! I’m weak and the result shows are too close to call!
The intro was like the Brady bunch…but with a slightly more suspenseful tone. Gosh, I miss Florence Henderson’s ski-cap hair!
Here’s a story
Of nine Idoloonies
Who were all set to know if they were going home
Three of them have brownish hair
Like dear Ry-Ry
And Haley does have curls
But I digress.
The medley was pretty low range-wise for the majority of the time. But these Idols carried it off (as of COURSE they would). At one point during the song, the guys congregated to one side of the stage and I couldn’t help but laugh. They weren’t trying at all to keep any structure of “choreography”, but boy, were they having fun.
[Side note:] Dang, there’s a lot of guys left!
Another Pointless Ford Commercial
But it was kinda cool. Like “The Italian Job”. But shorter. More pointed. And with less dialogue.
Russell Brand Visit
Oh, goody! I guess Ryan read my fan mail in which I asked…pleaded, actually…for a comedian to visit the Idols. After all, who doesn’t love forced funniness? Awesome.
And by “awesome”, I mean “That’s five minutes I’ll never get back.”
The vibe was sort of like when you’re at a work social function and have to laugh at people’s awkward jokes just so that they’ll return your emails on Monday.
Lauren, Stefano, and Casey. Here we go!
So, Twitter (wonderful insight into celebrity’s souls that it is) revealed the juicy little tidbit that Kelly Clarkson has a crush on Casey! Um, get in line, Kelly. But Casey, true to form, handled the stress of finding out the results with the curveball that Ryan lobbed his way with a funny “I’m going to keep [my response to Kelly] to myself.”
Stefano, on the other hand, decided to wax eloquent about constructive criticism of Jimmy Iovine, Randy Jackson, and I’m assuming others. I kind of tuned out. And even though Ryan’s head wasn’t facing toward us, Ryan wasn’t really listening, either. He was trying to keep things moving along and hoping that no other contestant would take up 2 minutes of valuable results show time. A guy can’t always fill time with a jig!
Lauren was sporting some pretty precarious looking earrings. But, I’m gonna give her a pass. As, apparently, America did.
Stefano was the first contestant on the silver stools of terror.
Constantine Maroulis Performs “Unchained Melody”
Constantine was in Carrie Underwood’s season, right? I know it’s hard to believe there was a time when I didn’t watch American Idol, but I actually didn’t see that season. Most of the performances last night beat Constantine’s rendition of this song. I’m just sayin’. Although, the end ramped up and was better. And not to be petty but he needs a better hair stylist. Also? The head jerks were a little unnecessary.
Gwen Finally Gets Her Screen Time
I’m about to find out what Pia’s necklace was made of! Or…not.
It’s kind of comforting to know that the awkwardness we/I picked up on in the brief second we saw this yesterday is true…it was kinda stilted. And not as interesting to watch as fashion/accessorizing SHOULD BE! For shame.
Paul, Scotty, and Pia take center stage.
After Ryan’s complement of his performance, Paul graciously deferred the praise to his other contestants by saying that they paved the way with their great performances that it made it easy for him. Awwww….
Wow. People like Scotty! Scream much?
And Pia looks gorgeous, but also a little bit like Catwoman.
Media Training with TMZ
In the words of the TMZ spokesperson: “Because they’re new at this. And we’re not.”
Tip #1: Do not get arrested. BUT. If you do, let me tell you about how to take a good mug shot.
Um, this is a family show. Is this really what you want to be teaching our youth? Or ME for that matter?
Still, that was the funniest segment EVER. There’s clearly a new regime at American Idol headquarters. And it seems that they have a sense of humor. Ahhh. Refreshing.
James, Haley and Jacob.
James is SAFE! Phew.
Haley is safe. Well deserved.
Jacob is dressed as though headed to a baby shower. And he’s headed to the stools of terror! Yay! Oh, Randy. Stop acting shocked. Have you ever HEARD his vibrato?!?
Iggy Pop Performs “Wild Child”
Wow, his voice is pretty shot. Maybe that’s why the shirtless distraction. He can’t dance. He can’t sing. And he makes me feel weird. It sounds like he doesn’t remember all the lyrics to his own song! I daresay that if he showed up in the audition round of this show, they wouldn’t pass him through.
Ryan, sneaky little sneakster that he is, played with me a bit. Yes, I took it personally. But in the end, Jacob flounced off to sit on the couch ‘o safety. Aw, man!
Stefano is safe.
Pia is leaving!
Okay, so while Pia wasn’t my favorite (as is well documented), I think she probably didn’t deserve to leave at this point. Jacob and Stefano had weaker performances and one of them should have left, am I right? In any case, I wasn’t outraged. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t concerned about “America’s” taste. Were you guys as angry as the judges?
(And I know this is really about Pia, but Haley’s tearful reaction to the news made me like her more.)
What a wild ride! And my hunch is that it’s only just beginning.